Letting People Know Who You Are

Views From the 14th Floor is entering a new era very soon. This blog has been around for just a little over a year and while blogspot.com has served me quite well, Views will now be found at www.therealrexray.com. In the interim, it will still be found at blogspot.com but I found the need to brand myself. In addition to teaching and blogging, I am attempting to write a novel and while the 8 or so friends, relatives, and assorted accidental readers who find themselves here on a regular basis are gratifying to have out there, I would like to expand my readership a little and reach out to the world.

There are those who might ask what this "The Real Rex Ray" stuff is about. Well, I'll tell you. I always thought that I had a somewhat unique name. Never met that many people named Rex, and Rex Ray is a real anomaly, so it was quite the surprise to me when I started asking for e-mail addresses and I was told that the ones I suggested were already taken. Now I asked myself, "Self. How can a name like Rex Ray already be taken?"

Eager for an answer, I googled myself. As it turns out, there is this guy out in San Francisco who is sort of a semi-famous artist. (I actually purchased a calendar with 12 months of his art last year.) While he was not born Rex Ray, he chose Rex Ray as a name to be artsy by because he thought the name sounded appropriately artsy. Hey! I was born with this name! I have the birth certificate to show for it. I didn't just choose it because it sounded artsy. I have lived with this name for the entirety of my life, and this clown in San Francisco is trying to corner the market on it.

You have to understand that I have the whole package that comes with a name, the story on how it came about, the childhood nicknames, the stupid remarks from strangers because of it. I have it and I'm prepared to share it with the world. I am "The Real Rex Ray." A name like that deserves its own domain name don't you think.

Now you may ask, "How did such a name come about?" Got you covered. It seems that in 1950, when I was born, my mother had a thing about this singing cowboy named Rex Allen. At age 7, I was dragged to a rodeo where he was making an appearance, on his horse Cocoa, all dressed in rhinestone cowboy gloriosity. Even at age 7 I knew that A) I don't like horses so much. B) I don't like rodeos so much. Too darned many large hooved animals. Livestock is for farms. I lived in the suburbs. C) I wasn't that impressed with Rex Allen. Roy Rogers was a much better singing cowboy and as far as Rex people go, well, I was the Real Rex Ray.

And what about these assorted childhood nicknames The Real Rex Ray had to endure. Well, somewhere about 4th grade I became Tyrannosaurus Rex. In 7th grade I became Sexy Rexy. Go figure. In 9th grade I became Oedipus Rex. (Pronounced with a Southern drawl and sounding quite lewd. Figure it out.) Then there have been X-Ray, Sex Ray, and assorted variations.

As an adult there have been variations as well. I remember a pharmacist I once worked with who called me Rexray like Astro, the dog on The Jetsons said "Rastro." Something like a million times in my adult life I have been introduced to people who have responded with "Rex Ray. That sounds like an actor's name." Imagine their surprise when told that I actually aspired to being a professional actor, but the name was not a stage name, but mine.

Then there are those who, upon being introduced to me, inquire, "Rex. What's that short for?" It's not short for anything numbskull. It's Latin. It means King, so kindly bow down to me or pay me some tribute or something. I could use some obeisance.

At any rate, the blogspot.com part of the address is going away. I am "The Real Rex Ray." I am henceforth using the domain name, www.therealrexray.com. Who knew that you could get your own domain name for $10 a year? Maybe I'll buy several. I can be a whole bunch of people. As one of my favorite cartoons of all time says, "Online nobody knows you're a dog." (That's an old New Yorker cartoon.) Now and forever, though, people will know that I am the real Rex Ray. Gotta go. Flying to Florida tomorrow. Stuff to do boys and girls.

The Hoity Toity Factor

The enabler in chief has given me permission to skip the gym today. It's snowy and windy and crappy out and I don't feel like walking the 3 blocks over. Imagine what it was like when we belonged to a gym 7 blocks away. Now that was an ordeal. So anyway, I hurt my foot on Sunday and I'm trying to determine if it's a stress fracture or a sprain of some sort. The enabler in chief says it's okay to stay home today. She likes having me here, keeping her company. Besides I finished the laundry and put it away, and loaded the dishwasher and ran and got the mail. So don't guilt trip me, okay? Okay.

Got on the elevator a short while ago to go down to the mail room and get today's mail. There was, for lack of a better term, a hoity toity woman in a fur coat on the elevator. She lives in the building. I live in the building. Most people exchange pleasantries in such a situation. Common courtesy and established modus operandi, so I spoke. "You're making me feel guilty here, going out in this mess. I usually go to the gym on Tuesdays, but I'm trying to convince myself not to. It's pretty bad out." Then I smiled and nodded. Hoity Toity Woman snapped back, "I don't have a choice. I'm late and I have to pick up my son from school." Then she pulled out her cell phone and began punching numbers. Well excuse me. Didn't mean to put you out by actually speaking to you. I mean this woman positively oozed attitude that said, "Who are you, low-life, to speak to me?"

Then we reached the first floor. The elevator doors opened and she shot out without a word or a nod. Dave the Doorman opened the door for her and she nodded and said, "Mr. Olsen." Then she promptly went through the revolving doors into the weather and disappeared to get her son from whatever hoity toity private school she sends him to. Can't be far. She was on foot. She didn't ask Dave to get her a cab.

When that woman disappeared into the elements I found myself wondering two things. The first was "Mr. Olsen? Who the hell walked in?" I know Dave the Doorman's last name is Olsen, and some pretentious sorts call him David on occasion, but let's face facts he's a Dave. This is the guy who tells off color jokes to the tenants. This is the guy who keeps a bookie employed and in the money. This is a guy who admits that his favorite pastime when not working is drinking until all hours of the night. Mr. Olsen he is not. Dave he is.

The second thing I found myself wondering was, what kind of prissy kid does this woman have that he can't walk home from school by himself? She didn't drive to get him. She walked to get him. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, it's possible that he's a little kid and goes to pre-school or day care or such. But what the hell, this is not a woman who works. This is Hoity Toity Woman in a fur coat. She spends her days shopping, getting her hair and nails done, getting pedicures and spa treatments. Why in the hell does this kid go to day care and have to be picked up at 4:30 in the afternoon by Hoity Toity Mom? Answer: She spends her time shopping, getting her hair and nails done, getting pedicures and spa treatments.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh. She probably has to go to yoga classes too. There are those important luncheons with friends and it's possible she sits on the board of a charity. Still can't help thinking, though, that this kid she's picking up would be fodder for a beating down in the neighborhood where I teach...,over and over, even if he is only 3. They make some fierce 3 year olds down in Back of the Yards.

What really gets me thinking is, however, what exactly gives this woman her attitude, her sense of "I'm better than you."? How does that work? I live in the same building as she does. I'm one of the owners, not a tenant in a rental unit. When she ran into me in the elevator I had just come from work and was dressed in a professional manner, so it wasn't like she could judge me on my slovenly appearance. It's not like it's apparent that she's a rich Hoity Toity Woman and I'm a mere school teacher with pretenses of being a writer. From whence comes the attitude?

The only answer I can come up with is just "It's the Hoity Toity Factor." This is a woman of privilege who came from privilege, who married privilege, who expects every man on the face of the earth to fall at her feet. Okay maybe she didn't come from privilege, just married it and wants to treat everyone else like shit because she thinks her looks and her fur coat entitle her to this. If her looks should begin to fail, she has the best cosmetic surgeons at her beck and call. This is a woman who would never dream of calling Dave the Doorman, just Dave, nor would she ever put up with being subjected to his off color jokes or insights into the betting world or drunken carousing stories. This is Hoity Toity Woman.

Just one problem. If she's really that Hoity Toity, why does she have to go get her own kid? Shouldn't she be one more step up the social and economic ladder? Shouldn't she have a servant to go get that kid? So spare me the attitude Ms. Hoity Toity. That's a pretty cheap looking fur coat anyway. Think I'll go back to my place and have a glass of Baron Philippe De Rothschild Mouton Cadet. Your hoity just doesn't seem so toity anymore.

Why Don't These Kids Learn Anything? Well Let Me Tell You...

Recently the President proposed changes to No Child Left Behind. He proposed that we judge schools based on progress instead of a benchmark, that is provided by standardized test scores. Sounds good on the surface, but in reality schools in large urban school districts succeed or don't succeed for a variety of reasons. Students succeed or don't succeed for a variety of reasons. Some of these reasons do not even pop up on the radar of people who propose to overhaul education.

I work at a school that is housed in a building roughly 100 years old. Sometimes it creaks and moans and gives off all the normal complaints that any 100 year old would give. Sometimes stuff breaks or just quits working. Note that I differentiate between the school and the building itself. A building does not a school make. The students, the staff, the people who occupy the building are the school itself, but they are all affected by the building and its operation.

This morning I arrived to discover that the fire in the boiler (We have radiator heat.) had gone out over the weekend. The building engineer was busily seeing to the building's needs by getting the heat on again. In the meantime, I arrived in my classroom only to discover the radiators were stone cold and the temperature in said classroom was 57 degrees, a very good temperature for storing wine, a good temperature for a British ale, but a wee bit brisk for a learning environment.

When my first class arrived, it was a balmy 61 degrees. Students were encouraged to wear their coats in the classroom. Somewhere around 10 AM the temperature reached normalcy. That is to say it was at least 68 degrees. Then, of course, radiator heat being what it is and impossible to control with any accuracy, the temperature went upwards of 74 degrees and students began clamoring to open windows. "It's hot in here Mr. Ray," said the young man sitting right next to the radiator. He promptly threw the nearest window wide open.

Five minutes later the young woman sitting next to him said, "I'm cold." How much real learning goes on when young men and women are actively debating the temperature of the room, and arguing over whether a window should be opened or not? How much learning goes on when the students are shivering and the teacher feels the need to wear gloves in the classroom? The flip side of this is in the warmer months when every window is opened to allow maximum air circulation and the room temperature still rises to 80. Whining, moaning, and copious sweating occur. Then the bee flies in the open window and screams of panic ensue. Let's not even talk about the time the pigeon got into the classroom.

Then there are the demands of No Child Left Behind itself. A school's fate can rest on standardized test scores. In efforts to raise the test scores, a great deal of coaching, cajoling, test prepping, and practice testing goes on. Can we just get some time to actually teach our subject matter? Rumor has it that if students can master the normal subject matter, they'll do OK on the tests. What a concept! Two-thirds of my day today and also tomorrow were spent and will be spent giving practice ACT tests to Juniors. My freshman students went to extra math classes because I was testing Juniors. Oh heck, Freshmen don't need to know social science. Standardized testing in Illinois doesn't include social science. They need more math. Who cares if it's the third period of the day in a math class and they're plain sick of it?

Of course, in the mix are the students who are constantly in the hallway creating disturbances. Most of them don't really want to be in school to begin with, but the school is where they have to go to market their drugs and meet their fellow gang members to find out what's going on later in the day. Go to class and learn something? What for?

Then there are all the days of non-attendance for students. They have a holiday to commemorate Christopher Columbus, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Presidents in general, Casimir Pulaski, Memorial Day, two days for Thanksgiving, two weeks for winter break (Christmas), one week for spring break (Easter), and at least one day off every month for teacher professional development. Add in assorted assemblies, pep rallies, field trips, and special circumstances and I often wonder how they learn anything. They're never in class.

Mind you there are places where learning goes on. They are called magnet schools for the gifted and talented and college preparatory high schools. The best kids in the city go there. The district showers money and resources on them. They succeed beyond your wildest imagination. The kids who couldn't get into those schools? The kids who were never very good students in the first place? They go to neighborhood schools and the schools struggle, and the students struggle. They get fewer resources. Their schools struggle to keep the heat and the lights on. Their schools struggle to ensure every student has a textbook. They try their best to get as many kids as possible into a position to be normal, decent, working citizens. And they are held up by the public as examples for scorn. Come visit us sometime and see what we do for kids. Just remember to wear warm clothes.

I Don't Do Tea Parties

Winter has returned to Streeterville. The temperatures have dipped. Currently it's 27 degrees at the Mini. The frozen circles that look like white corpuscles have returned to Streeterville Bay. My thoughts have returned to Tea Party types and the question stands out, "Who are these people anyway?"

In a gleeful moment for the Democratic Party, and bona fide members of the left-wing in this country, Sarah Palin, the darling of the Tea Party and Rush Limbaugh, the pit bull of the Dick Cheney set are at each other's throats. It seems the former Governor of Alaska takes umbrage at the use of the word retard. She has a Downs Syndrome baby and has gone on a tear, comparing the use of retard to the use of the N word as a means of denigrating people with mental handicaps. Ms. Palin went so far as to demand the firing of White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel for referring to certain people as f_____g retards in a closed door meeting.

Meanwhile there are trouble makers out there who noted that Right-wing commentator (Why isn't this commenter instead? Never have understood that.), Rush Limbaugh regularly refers to anyone who disagrees with him as "retards." Suddenly there is a rift in right-wing land. Limbaugh shot back, "Our political correct society's acting like some big insult's taken place by calling somebody who's a retard a retard." Obviously Mr. Limbaugh has issues with those who question his right to call somebody a retard. Yet Ms. Palin who demanded the firing or resignation of Rahm Emmanuel has yet to demand the resignation or firing of the Right-Wing Pit Bull, Rush Limbaugh. On the one hand we have a rift in right-wing land. On the other hand we have hypocrisy on Ms. Palin's part. On yet the other hand, we have Rush Limbaugh behaving like a moron (Note that I did not call him a retard.). On the other hand yet we have much ado about nothing.

So who are these disparate elements of the right-wing? Rush Limbaugh represents the mainstream of the Republican Party with all their "I'm rich. I plan to keep it that way. I think the rest of the world is made up of dumbasses who need to listen to me and help me pad my bankroll some more." The Tea Party sorts are a group who are made up of socially conservative and anti-tax Republicans, some who call themselves Independents, and some who call themselves Libertarians, and some who say "Call me anything you want. Just don't call me late to dinner."

The thing is that they are all basically Republicans under the skin, no matter what they say. The big corporations and fat cats love and embrace them all. They all chant the same mantra "That government that governs least, governs best." If it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck. If it does everything in its power short of creating anarchy to limit the role of government, it must be a Republican.

Each and every one of these people fail to see that it was precisely this mantra that got our economy into this mess in the first place. Lack of government oversight of business and banking allowed all the shady practices that nearly brought down the entire Earth's economy to flourish. The Limbaugh faction is just cynical. They benefit bigtime from laissez-faire. They think Adam Smith is a demi-god. The Tea Party sorts are well, how shall I say this...hmmm, ill-informed and really unaware of how the government could help them out if they'd only let it. They're too blinded by abortion and gay marriage and propaganda that demonizes taxes and government supervision of the economy. (Note that I called them ill-informed, not retards. Take that Sarah Palin.)

Our infrastructure is crumbling. How are we going to pay for rebuilding and repair? We gotta pay taxes people. Our schools are falling behind the rest of the industrialized world. How we gonna fix em and pay competent people to do the job of educating our children? We gotta pay taxes people? Most of the industrialized world has high speed rail and healthcare for everyone in their societies and a really good social safety net. How we gonna pay for that? We gotta pay taxes people. The upshot here is that many of the people who would benefit the most from healthcare reform, from the jobs created by government investment in the infrastructure and in technology and education are doing their damnedest to thwart efforts to benefit them. The rich and powerful wing of the Republican Party is laughing all the way to the bank and calling them all "retards" while they're sipping their champagne.

Me? I'm just glad that I have a college degree, a job, a pension plan, healthcare, and I live in a city that has mass transit, albeit not high speed. How did I get all this boys and girls? I paid for it with government guaranteed loans to get through college, with taxes to pay my salary as a teacher, with more taxes to pay for the mass transit that allows a large city to function. I don't live in a suburb in a gated community, walled off from the poor and desperate. I don't declare them all lazy and worthless while calling them all retards. I don't do Tea Parties.

Morning Meets Evening and Sometimes They Marry

Yesterday I went off on how right-wingers are loudly complaining about how the Obama administration does nothing while doing everything in their power to thwart any effort to do something, by the Obama administration. What led me there was my co-worker across the hall's rantlet before I had even finished my coffee. Truly, he has the ability to annoy me even in the afternoon with this kind of stuff, but a real source of annoyance yesterday was the earliness of the sneak attack. There should be some kind of fail safe device to prevent this kind of thing.

There are morning people and there are evening people. This is an unescapable truism. Clearly I am one of the latter. The fact that I have been able to hold down a regular job that requires me to function and think at 8 AM is nothing short of a minor miracle. No less a miracle is the fact that for the last 24 years I have lived with a woman (married to her for 23 of those) who is a genuine, dyed in the wool, morning person. This is a woman who is perfectly comfortable getting up at 5 or 6 in the morning and going to sleep at 8:30 or 9 in the evening.

When Babs and I first met, I took her to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. She fell asleep, although she admits to only nodding for a moment. I knew then and there that I would have to adapt certain practices in my life. I'm sure she feels much the same way about my lack of coherence at the breakfast table. For me, in the early morning, "Uh huh." and "Huh?" and "Mumble" serve as conversation. This is usually juxtaposed with a woman across the table who is actively devouring the New York Times and actually asking me to think about concepts she has gleaned from these pages. Do we make it work? Somehow...for 24 years.

Mind you, there are some very nice things about 2 people of opposite time orientations getting together. I get to see sunrises as well as sunsets, and some are quite spectacular. It's just that my verbal response to these glorious episodes is usually limited. She gets to see fireworks at midnight on New Year's Eve when she might otherwise be inclined to go to bed earlier. I actually get necessary things done before noon on weekends, leaving afternoons and early evenings to do more fun things. She sometimes gets to experience the fun of a party that goes on until 4 or 5 in the morning. (There was a time when I thought sunrises were supposed to be experienced only after having been up all night.)

At any rate, we have reached an equilibrium after 24 years. Reality means I have to go to bed earlier because I have to get up early for work. Sometimes I even arise before Ms. Morning Person. But I don't have to like it, and I definitely won't be at my best in mental acuity at that time of the day. And all any night person asks of all you early people out there is to recognize that. We who are creatures of the night by nature get better as the day goes on. We may be able to do a great many things that do not require the utmost of our attention early in the day, but the creative juices do not flow until later. I routinely write my posts here just prior to the dinner hour. Babs complains of having used all her creative energy way before that time.

If I didn't have a job that required me to get up at 5:30 AM, and if I were not living with another person who is a morning person, I could probably do my writing at 11 PM or midnight or later. That would be alright. As it is, I need to squeeze in my serious thinking between 10 AM and 6 or 7 PM. That I can do. Had an emergency meeting immediately after work today and there were obviously some morning types there who were having a hard time planning and strategizing after a full day of work. I was at the top of my game and ready to go. Those 8 AM meetings I go to? I'm worthless. Let me drink my coffee and I'll get back to you in a couple of hours.

Of Coffee and Right Wing Verbal Assaults

The Republican across the hall...Excuse me. Let me start again. The guy across the hall who studiously denies being a Republican, but whose views time and again come out sounding very Republican, stopped me in the hallway this morning while I was still drinking my coffee. Let's be clear here. I'm not very clear headed or cognizant early in the morning. The later in the day, the clearer I get. That's how this train operates.

At any rate, the guy who thinks he isn't a Republican, but who clearly is stopped me and said, "Excuse me but I know that you're certainly more left than I am." If further left than tea party right is what he meant, then I suppose I certainly am. Then he went on, "So in your opinion, has Obama done anything right, or good, since he's been in office?"

First of all, it's annoying enough to have people beset me with these kinds of questions when I'm fully awake, knowing that these are people with a certain mindset and an agenda, but when they do this to you first thing in the morning, knowing your political leanings and knowing it's sure to piss you off, well that's exactly what it does. It pisses you off royally, and then you're in the position of trying to come up with a reply that sounds reasoned and to the point and not a pissed off rant. When you're still having your early morning coffee, it sometimes comes out as a minute of two of silence, followed by "Um well, er...."

I had to think a little bit to think of something that would appease a right winger on a mission. What I came up with was, "He did rescue the banking system, and if he hadn't the entire global economy might have collapsed. We may not like it that all that money went to the banks, but it was necessary, and it worked. I think that he might need to be a little more forceful in urging Congress to get on the ball and do something, but he did that and..."

Mr. Not a Republican harumphed loudly, and started the little rantlet that I knew was coming. "We could use a little more bailout for GM and Chrysler and a little less for the banks. Frankly that's just helping a bunch of rich people while working people are suffering...." I had to agree that we could use more job stimulus, and let's hope that is coming. Nevertheless, the bank bailout was necessary. It maybe just needed some more strings attached, as in "Don't go using the stimulus money to give million dollar bonuses to executives. I believe everyone concerned recognizes that, including Barack Obama. That's why he's urging a tax on the banks to recoup some of that money.

What really irks me is that so many people are ready to jump all over Barack Obama for not fixing what ails the country overnight, when it took the Bush administration 8 years to put it in this mess. He didn't give stimulus money to banks, but kept up a climate that allowed them to flourish and put us in this mess in the first place. Mr. Obama has urged Congress to pass healthcare reform, but that silly little thing about needing a supermajority in the Senate to get anything done because of the filibuster has negated that possibility. Mr. Obama has regularly urged Congress to adopt measures that will create jobs in growth industries for the next century but Republicans fight any measure he proposes as "too expensive" for the nation.

On the one hand the right wingers want the President to do something that will help the nation out of its malaise, but they oppose anything that he proposes as "big government sticking its nose in the business of working Americans" and as "costly boondoggles that our grandchildren will be paying off." I have to remind people that the last time the U.S. budget was balanced, the economy was ticking along just fine, and the national debt was being paid down was when Bill Clinton was President, and he tried to do many of the same things that Mr. Obama is trying to do.

I am reminded of Mr. Obama's statement in the State of the Union Address when he told Republicans "If you have a better plan that you think will work, I'd like to see it." What is going on right now is that there are people on the right who oppose anything the President and the Democratic Party attempt and then blame them for not doing anything when the right wing opposition is successful in thwarting the attempts at doing something constructive. It's just annoying. It's very clear that there was an agenda that the American people wanted accomplished, a majority of the American people, so get the heck out of the way and let it happen will you? And while you're at it, quit assailing me first thing in the morning before I'm fully awake.

Celebrating Groundhog Primary Day

Today is a very special day in Illinois. This is a once in a blue moon day when the two separate events, Groundhog Day and Primary Elections, converge. This is a very special event indeed. Not only do we get some insight into what the weather is going to be like for the next 6 weeks, but we get the added insight into what is going to occur in this state's politics for the next 6 years.

So the legend goes, on Groundhog Day, if the groundhog emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow, he will return to that burrow for an additional 6 weeks of winter. If no shadow, we'll have an early spring. On that extra special day when Groundhog Day and Primary Election Day converge, when the first politician of the day emerges to politic, a shadow poll is taken and if the shadow is seen, we will have 6 more years of bad politics.

On Gobbler's Knob in Punxutawney, Pennsylvania there are all manner of theatrics and celebration accompanying Punxutawney Phil's emergence from his burrow on February 2. There is music. There is fanfare. There is a Groundhog Queen crowned. Pomp and circumstance galore to celebrate the prognosticating rodent's pronouncements.

In Chicago, on Groundhog Primary Day, there was no less pomp and circumstance. When the first polls opened, former Governor Rod Blagojevich appeared and in a fine example of mixed metaphors threw out the first voter. The former Governor, still out on bail, then launched into a rousing rendition of "Viva Las Vegas," waved to the crowds of waiting voters, and promptly returned to the reality TV circuit to make more hay while the sun was still able to shine upon his countenance. It is expected that sometime later this year an encounter with a federal prosecutor, judge, and jury will send Rod the Mod into residence at the dedicated Illinois wing of a federal penetentiary, currently housing another former Governor and assorted Illinois politicians of state and local levels.

The upshot of this appearance, Mr. Blagojevich being the first politician of the day, and his subsequent early exit into exile, suggests, as Groundhog Primary Day tradition dictates, 6 more years of bad politics. Local analysts speculate that this may be a bad omen for whomever wins the U.S. Senate seat formerly occupied by President Obama. The interim Senator, it seems, barely escaped indictment, but did suffer Congressional censure for events that led to his taking the seat in the interim. Former Governor Blagojevich was rumored to be involved somehow, even though no one has been able to find a money trail leading from the Senator to the former Governor, Rod the Mod, Elvis Impersonator Extraordinaire. What ugly fate can be awaiting the Senatorial candidates and eventual winner?

In downstate Groundhog Primary news, the Groundhog Primary Day Parade in the state capital of Springfield was dazzling, according to attendees. Marching bands from high schools all over the state of Illinois were in attendance, and in their finest modes. Sixteen separate versions of "Hail to the Chief" were played in the course of the parade. Floats depicting groundhogs, elections, and federal bribery indictments were simply exquisite in their detail. The whole shebang was led by The Marching Inmates of the U.S. Federal Prison System, spectacular in their orange jumpsuits. Their precision marching, while sporting arm and leg chains, is a sight to behold, a once in a lifetime experience. Several local celebreties were applauded and cheered loudly as they strutted their stuff.

When Phil the Groundhog was asked about his view of the competing festivities in Illinois, he was silent, as usual. Phil anticipates prognosticating as usual next year when there will be no convergence of his day with primaries. Officials in Punxutawney noted that Groundhog Primary Day is a bit of a misnomer in that there are no groundhogs actually running against one another for the opportunity to be the chief prognosticator for Groundhog Day. The Groundhog Queen smiled and waved.