Everyone Has to Believe in Something. I Believe I'll Have Another.

It's a magnificent afternoon in Streeterville. I'd like to welcome you to a very special TGIF, it's 40 degrees outside and it's going to be 50 tomorrow edition of Views. Melt snow melt! Perhaps I'm a bit fickle at times. It seems like only yesterday that I was bemoaning the lack of snow and thus lack of a real winter. Now it's "Snow begone! I'm fed up with you and ready for spring." Well tough tennis shoes ladies and gentlemen. Even the hardiest of us can get a little cabin fever now and again.

I was just reading in the newspaper that in London an atheist group rented sign space on some buses and put up signs that something like, "There is probably no God, so go on and enjoy life." Now, a week or so later a Christian group is buying sign space on the buses and promoting God. Ah, freedom of speech in a civilized society. No riots. None of that, "I'm going to kill you because you're a heretic," stuff. Let's just air our differences via the free market. Nothing like it. Freedom of speech. Capitalism. The only thing missing in the previous scenario is the profit motive.

Oh by the way, did I mention that I have a new church. It's the Church of There Ain't No God, But There's Sure as Hell Morality. Meets on Saturday nights for communion at wine bars. It's out there combatting the religious right's conviction that lack of a god is either immoral or amoral or maybe both. It has a mission: To save all of those poor children in South Beach who need the communion of the righteously atheistic moral bringers. They call me Reverend R.D. All the COTANGBTSAHM needs is the cash to carry out this mission. As I understand it the South Beach contingent communes with mojitos and they can get expensive.

To reach the poor lost children of South Beach one must also be able to relate to them on a sartorial plane. That means nice clothes ladies and gentlemen, sinners one and all. The Reverend R.D. is partial to Italian designers. He finds that they send the right message when reaching out to the non-believers.

Now the Reverend R.D. also needs to send the right message when he is seen driving down Ocean Drive in South Beach. The potential converts don't need to think this is some poverty stricken, half-assed mission. No sir. They need to know that the Reverend R.D. is one first rate missionary and is bringing the message that the good life is right here on Earth. That requires a Porsche Boxter at the minimum.

If the Reverend R.D. is going to be spending all of that time in South Beach converting the non-believers and bringing the salvation of "Salvation is here and now," to the denizens of South Beach, he will also be needing a place to stay. In order to keep his inner peace and outer vision the Reverend R.D. needs a 2 or 3 bedroom condo with an ocean view, a good workout center in the building, with a pool, and deeded parking.

"How can I help with this," you might ask yourself. All it takes is a simple contribution and the heretics and non-believers of South Beach can be on their way to salvation in the here and now. The Reverend R.D. accepts cash, credit cards, checks, and in kind offerings such as cars, First Class airplane tickets, and cases of 90 point plus Bordeaux. I know you can't believe what you're hearing, but it is true. With a simple contribution, you can become a part of the movement. Send all contributions to the Reverend R.D. at the Church of There Ain't No God But There's Sure As Hell Morality in Streeterville and the Reverend hopes to see you at communion this Saturday night. Hallelujah, it's your turn to buy a round.