Naming Rights

School is almost back in session here in Chicago and with the new school year comes the usual questions of "Where will all the money come from?" Only this year it's worse. The economy is in a downturn. The state and local lawmaking bodies are all looking for ways to trim the fat, to make the budget a little less unbalanced. Duly noted that some of the lawmakers themselves may need some balancing.

There are a number of ways to balance budgets and cut expenditures. Fire a few people. Make the remainder do twice as much work. That will cut expenditures. Borrow scads of money and make our children's children's children pay it all off in the year 3225. That might work. Get rid of all those benefit things like health care. That would save a bunch of money. Sick days? Get rid of them. If they can't work, hire someone to replace them. That'll cut costs and help the unemployment problem. Maybe we could shut down a bunch of schools and put all the kids in overcrowded classrooms in overcrowded schools. That will save money. Better yet. Let's just shut down all the public schools and turn them over to private education companies. Can you say Charter Schools? I bet you can.

The problem is, ladies and gentlemen, we haven't been thinking creatively. Why not sell naming rights to our schools? It brings in lots of money for sports franchises. This goes back to the 1920's when the Wrigley family of gum fame built a stadium on the Northside of Chicago for the Cubs. Of course the concept turned out to be a bit of an embarassment when the Enron scandal hit and the Houston Astros had to resell the naming rights to Minute Maid. Small setback.

Just think of it. Instead of having schools named for heroes, we could sell the naming rights to corporations. Instead of Marie Curie High School, we could have Abbott Laboratories High School. Instead of Abraham Lincoln Middle School there could be Exxon-Mobil Inc. Middle School. I couldn't wait to get my kid in Wells Fargo Bank Elementary School. How about the Blue Cross Blue Shield School of Insurance Studies? The possibilities are endless.

The cafeterias could be sold to food service companies and restaurant chains. What kid wouldn't want to eat lunch in the Olive Garden cafeteria or perhaps the Pizza Hut Food Court. The school sports teams could be sold to corporate sponsors. What kid wouldn't want to play for the Boeing Jets? The New York Stock Exchange Bulls? How about the Geico Geckos? The money would come rolling in.

And that's just the public schools. We could do away with the national debt by selling naming rights and sponsorship. Exploit the continuing competition between Coca Cola and Pepsi. We could have the Coca Cola Congress. We could have the Pepsi Presidency. Get the Supreme Court in on the action with the Subway Sandwich Supreme Court. Sub-group naming rights with the International House of Pancakes House of Representatives and the Seven-Up Senate. Every department in the government could have its own corporate sponsor, from the Department of State to the Department of the Interior. This country could be back in the black in no time.

Now if there are any corporations out there who might be offering a reasonable sum, Views From the 14th Floor could be sporting a new name in no time. Don't like R.D. Ray? For the right price I might be willing to become YOUR NAME HERE!