Saturday, December 19, 2009

Santa Claus is a Democrat

In a surprise move yesterday, President Obama made an unscheduled stop at the North Pole on his way home from the global warming talks in Copenhagen. A spokesman for the President said that he felt it necessary to have talks with the head of Claus Enterprises regarding the impact of global warming on industries located at the nexus of impact. President Obama and Air Force One were met by Mr. and Mrs. Claus and ferried to the Claus home in what has been described as a sleigh, pulled by eight tiny reindeer. The President had no comment on the transportation.

A spokesman for Claus Enterprises, I.M. Elven, told reporters that "The current rate of buildup in greenhouse gases is going to put this whole enterprise in the Arctic Ocean in a matter of a few years if serious measures are not taken. Mr. Claus is very concerned that innocent children all over the globe will suffer as a result. Claus Inc. simply does not have the massive resources necessary to relocate, and frankly the reindeer do not adapt well to warmer climes. It's time the world put the right boot forward and stopped polluting so darned much. Frankly, Christmas is in danger of becoming just another marketing tool for Wal-Mart and Target." Officials at Wal-Mart and Target noted that there only a few shopping days left until Christmas.

Meanwhile Scrooge McDuck, well known conservative economist and Republican Party spokesman, was quoted in the Wall Street Journal as saying, "The whole thing is a hoax. There is no such thing as global warming, nor is there any such person as Santa Claus. This is just one more effort to bamboozle the public by tax and spend Democrats. If anything, Santa Claus is a fitting metaphor for what the Democratic Party, and Barack Hussein Obama stands for. The guy is a socialist if ever I saw one. He dresses in a red suit for goodness sakes. He gives away presents to all kids, regardless of whether they deserve it. Another Democratic boondoggle. Hey, the guy is said to deliver the whole shebang in one night. Do you have any idea what the FedEx overnight charges would be on something that big?"

A Democratic spokesman reacted to Mr. McDuck's tirade by saying, "I'm not surprised that Republicans don't believe in global warming or Santa Claus. It should be noted that they don't believe in universal healthcare either. In the past century the Republicans have gone on record as not believing in Social Security, Medicare, Civil Rights legislation, unemployment insurance, or government regulation of business. You get the picture."

The final results of the Obama-Claus summit are being kept under wraps for the time being, but it is believed that a plan is being developed to stop the great polar melt off and the subsequent death of Christmas as we know it. As President Obama stepped onto Air Force One and as he flew out of sight, the man in red was heard to exclaim, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."

An unnamed Republican source in Washington was quoted as saying, "Looks like the Democrats are planning for one more bailout at the expense of the taxpayers. America won't stand for this." On the street outside Republican Party headquarters, a M. Antoinette added enigmatically, "Let them eat cake."