The Hat With Flaps Factor

I was driving to work this morning listening to Jimi Hendrix on the radio singing "Foxy Lady," and it occurred to me. In this weather even the foxiest ladies don't look too foxy. Yesterday it was 9 degrees. Today it was a balmy 12.

I do believe that the weather has achieved what is known as the Hat With Flaps Factor, or as it is known in some circles, the Rosenmiah Factor, for Steven Rosenmiah, a Minneapolis resident who first made me aware of this vital scientific factor. It seems that people, when the weather turns cold, get out their winter wardrobes and make every effort to appear chic and well-dressed. However, when the temperature drops below a certain threshold, "The Hat With Flaps Factor," nobody cares what they look like anymore and out come those items that are merely functional, and are intended to make one warm and comfortable instead of fashionable.

Living in a fashionable neighborhood in downtown Chicago, one has the opportunity to view a great many fashionable ladies, fur coats, fur hats, $1000 boots, and all. When the "Hat With Flaps Factor" occurs, though, even these precious ladies will be seen on the streets of Chicago wearing hats pulled down over their ears, scarves pulled up over their faces and with no part of their surgically altered cheek bones and noses showing, looking ever so much like a Muslim snow bunny. Often the "Hat With Flaps" these ladies wear will be made of mink or other such expensive fur, but it still looks goofy as hell.

One of the key traits of the "Hat With Flaps" is that it has to look goofy as hell. Mind you there are some city residents who simply go with the traditional knit stocking hat, but to really make it into the "Hat With Flaps" category these have to have something special about them, i.e. one that looks like your grandmother knitted it or it came straight out of a Scandinavian children's story. I'm tempted to add those stocking caps that white 20 something guys wear that make them look like they're trying to emulate Hip Hop stars. That's really goofy. At any rate, these are "Sort of Hat With Flaps" types, not the genuine article.

The real live genuine "Hat With Flaps" must be a real hat and possess, well ...flaps. Take for example those llama wool things that come from the Andes and tie under the chin if you want to go there. Extra goofy. They are, however, warm and out they come when the factor is reached. In additon, there are Elmer Fudd hats, your basic Kanga type hat with flaps that fold out from the inside, farmer's caps with flaps, and your Klondike type hats (If they come from Scandinavia or Russia, they still look goofy on you, albeit functional.). And when the temperature dips, when the snow begins to fly, out they all come. Who cares what you look like? They do the job.

For the record, Babs owns a dark fur Klondike or Russian type hat and I own one of a similar makeup that is gray sheep skin, lined with Icelandic wool. Great hat. Really warm. Picked it up in Reykjavik just before we went on an adventure to the top of a glacier and peered into the cone of a frozen over dormant volcano. It served its purpose. Oh, and by the way we could see the Arctic Ocean to the north and the Atlantic Ocean to the West from the top of that glacier. Stunning. Eventually, I even saw the Aurora Borealis in that hat. Still looks goofy on me, though. I think for a real "Hat With Flaps" experience you need accessories.

You know when the weather gets really nasty and winterish, sometimes you need not only a "Hat With Flaps" but sometimes you need boots. I'm not talking about those fru fru boots like downtown ladies wear that often are suede and/or possess high heels. I'm not talking about Uggs. I'm talking about good old waterproof boots. Ugly as hell, but they keep your feet dry and warm. Top them off with a "Hat With Flaps."

And while we're thinking about it, when the weather gets really nasty you need something other than that nice looking topcoat that makes you look so dapper gentlemen, something other than that chic coat from the boutique ladies. We're talking about something that looks like you're ready for surviving a trip on a dogsled. We're talking about a real coat, at least something that says North Face and has a zip in liner and a hood. Bulky, yeah. Warm and toasty at 10 below, oh yeah. To be worn with real boots and a "Hat With Flaps."

Now is that all? Is there anything I've forgotten at this juncture? Oh yeah. Got to have the big honkin gloves. You know the kind I'm talking about. They always come with a little tag that has a 3M logo and says "Lined with thinsulate." That's what we're talking about. Oh yeah. Who cares if you look a little like the Michelin Man. You're warm. The weather outside has passed the "Hat With Flaps Factor." You're out to prove that winter can't defeat you. Make friends with winter, .....or stay indoors and drink hot toddies for the next few months. Hmmmm.

All of that being said, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sitting here on the 14th floor. Last I checked, it was about 15 degrees outside. The snow is coming down so hard I can't really see much of Navy Pier just now. The lake is covered in a layer of fluffy white. I can hear cars on Lake Shore Drive honking angrily at one another. Someone is no doubt flipping someone off. There will be a few rear end collisions out there tonight. Am I bundling up, going out, facing the elements tonight? Heck no. I'm finishing my glass of wine and thinking about dinner.

Long live the "Hat With Flaps."