Too Old or Not Too Old, That is the Question

It's a magnificent day on the 14th floor. The sun is shining. There's not a cloud in the sky. I went out to pick up some groceries and it was 46 degrees at the Mini. All, or most of the ice has melted in Lake Michigan. The water is a beautiful color of blue today.

Unfortunately, the end of the year and the reflection that comes with that is making me a little bit blue as well. I went to my 40 year class reunion from high school this year. Where did all of those old farts come from? Am I kidding myself, or did I somehow magically escape (so far) the epidemic of Old Fartitis that is sweeping the Boomer Generation?

To wit, when is the point in one's life where one becomes irrevocably, "an old fart?" Is there an age where you just cross the line and might as well be issued your "old fart" ID? Or does "Old Fartitis" strike at different ages with different individuals? I like to believe in the latter. It gives hope that I am not seriously delusional.

Indeed, there are some guys who get older and older, and although they age they never seem to become a crotchety, cranky old fart who never talks about anything but the old days and how things were a lot better then. Clint Eastwood is undoubtedly of an age where most people are "Old Farts." Yet Mr. Eastwood continues to act in and direct very thoughtful films that do not suggest "Old Farthood." Here in Chicago, our very own Studs Terkel recently passed away, and I dare anyone to suggest that Studs ever became an "Old Fart." Old yes, "Old Fart," no.

Following that train of logic, then, we come to view "Old Fartness," as a state of mind, not a state of being as pre-determined by one's actual chronological age. I've known some individuals who ceased to grow and change, began listening to the same old music, liking the same things and never changing when they were in their early twenties. Some, I think, metastasize in their thinking somewhere about the time they graduate from high school. All of these individuals are really "Old Farts" whether they, or society, knows it or not.

There are different kinds of "Old Fartness." In men it usually takes the form of the guy who has usually gotten fat and scoffs at other men of their age who run or exercise. These "Old Farts," also listen to the same music that they listened to when they were 18 years old and patently dismiss anything of a more recent or innovative vintage. They usually own a recliner and get their exercise, physical and mental, from the vantage point of that recliner, firmly rooted in front of their TVs.

In women, "old Fartness" looks a little different. It usually includes the inability to discuss anything other than children and grandchildren. Refusal to attempt dressing well is often part of the syndrome. Dowdiness and a penchant for wearing gym shoes while driving to the mall accompany the syndrome.

Needless to say, some of the more obvious symptoms of "Old Fartness" include a disdain for anything new in pop culture. "TV has just gone to hell in a handcart." "They just don't make movies like they used to." "I'm sorry I don't listen to music on the radio. I only listen to talk radio. I don't know who Sean Combs is." Usually "old Fartness" includes a complete disregard for advances in technology over the past 20 years. Most "Old Farts" now own a cell phone but wouldn't be caught dead texting with one. They generally don't have a clue what twittering is. My Space, Facebook, blogs? Forget it. "What is Wii? Guitar Hero? Is that a new band?"

Having become aware of "Old Fartness" and being of a certain age, I have found it necessary to begin watching for signs of hardening of the attitudes, of non-acceptance of change, and general "Old Fartness." Things to watch for? Have you found yourself in an aisle in a store looking at CDs and found it remarkable that this place carries all of those artists from the 60s and 70s and then looked around to find that the only people looking at CDs are "Old Farts?" Younger sorts download their music. Have you found yourself on any given Sunday evening at 6 PM (Central Time) watching 60 Minutes on CBS? Have you found yourself in a car listening to a "Classic Rock" station and thinking, "Hey this is pretty good,"? Have you found yourself shaking your head about teenagers and caught yourself saying, "Kids these days....."? These are just some, not all of the symptoms of "Creeping Old Fartitis."

All of that being said, I think I'll go to the gym and work out. Then I'll come home and try to watch something on TV that those "Old Farts" at my class reunion would never think of watching and maybe play something on my guitar that I wrote myself and doesn't qualify as a nostalgia trip. Now if I could just get some hair growing on top of my head again instead of in my nose and ears.