A couple of days ago Gail Collins, in the New York Times, stated that the U.S. fiscal year is currently divided into two seasons, Baseball and Shopping. Of course she also told us that Oprah Winfrey's current wealth has been measured at trillionedy billion dollars. Using this figure as a benchmark, the accounting team of R.D. and Associates assures us that the current U.S. National Debt is 17.2 gazillion dollars, and of that 17.2 gazillion dollars in debt, 19.56% times Pi divided by the square root of two, is held by the Peoples Republic of China. (Not to be confused with the Peoples Republic of Mao would have approved of some of us becoming gazillionaires if we were attaining the money from the American Capitalist Pigs.)
This state of affairs reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time, Americathon. In this movie America is deeply in debt and owes so much money to a Middle-Eastern Hebrab oil-rich country, that the U.S. is in danger of having the whole country repossessed by the oil interests. Seems the only company in the country that is turning a profit is a running shoe manufacturer and is owned by the Indians. The movie was made in the 1970's and nobody had yet foreseen the boom in Indian-owned casinos. Nobody as yet had foreseen the prospect of China going capitalist and buying up all of those U.S. government securities, not to mention buying huge stacks of U.S. dollars to keep the value of the dollar high on the international market while keeping the Chinese currency low in value. At any rate, it seems to be the Chinese we have to worry about foreclosing on the mortgage and taking over the country.
In the movie, Americathon, a telethon is held to raise the money to keep the U.S. afloat and the Indians step in to keep the Middle Eastern oil interests from taking over. In 2009 reality, the Chinese may threaten to take over and the only ones who could save the country might be Oprah and Wal-Mart. I can see it now, the U.S. is bought up by Oprah and Wal-Mart. In a power move, Wal-Mart assassinates Oprah, manipulates a hostile takeover, and the next thing you know there is no longer a democratic state. The Presidency has been replaced by the "Greeter in Chief," sort of like the Russian head of state. Everyone knows Putin really runs that place.
That's not what I really wanted to talk about, though. What I really came here to talk about is Shopping Season. Yes, it is Shopping Season already. Baseball season, after all, has been over for, what, 3 or 4 days now. (You know, the Extended Playoff, Extended World Series Season for television broadcast, complete with Designated Hitters, and accompanied by steroid pumped home run hitters, making somewhat less money than Oprah Winfrey, but somewhat more than the GNP of a small third world nation.) At any rate, shopping season is upon us. Mickey Mouse told me so, and Disney cartoon characters do not lie and they are good for the economy.
Last night was the official kickoff of Shopping Season in Chicago with the "Festival of Lights Parade." Mickey Mouse came riding down Michigan Avenue on a float that looked like the Water Tower (The one thing downtown that survived the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, and currently a big tourist draw, though not nearly as big as Mickey Mouse) and shot off fireworks. As Mickey went by the Christmas lights came on on Michigan Ave. Mickey proceeded down the entire length of the Magnificent Mile turning on lights, spewing fireworks from his float, and bringing the good tidings of great joy that Shopping Season brings. Yup, Shopping Season has definitely begun.
I believe the official motto of Shopping Season this year is "Save our economy. Buy lots of stuff." This has been endorsed by the Council of Economic Advisors. Of course they also endorse selling naming rights to the White House and Congress. These are soon to become the Coca-Cola Congress and the Pepsi Presidency. At present, no corporation worth its salt wants to invest in the naming rights to the Supreme Court. Just not sexy enough. Although, if you ask me, the idea of a Victoria's Secret Supreme Court might just add a little pizazz to a very stodgy institution.
Not to be outdone, a religious alliance has gotten onboard with the emphasis on the importance of Shopping Season, while still stressing the religious underpinnings that brought it about in the first place. As it turns out a group of religious scholars have recently found a previously unknown book of the Bible, The Book of Accountancy. Quoting from this Book of Accountancy, none other than the Pope himself has urged us to "Go forth and shop in abundance. I have seen the plastic and it is good. I have seen the black cards made of carbon fiber and they are even better. Eat for the food is aplenty. Drink for the time for celebration is here. Spend your fill for the long winter cometh and the New Years Day hangover is imminent, and the Super Bowl shall endeth and Spring Training it cometh...."
Well, at any rate, boys and girls it is the Shopping Season, known in some areas as Spending Season. It keeps the nation afloat. It keeps the populace happy and sane. Go spend scads of money and be content. In the meantime, all gifts and cash should be sent to "The Real Rex Ray," c/o Views From the 14th Floor. Think of it as salvaging the nation. See you on Tuesday.
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