Saturday, January 17, 2009

Homo Semi Sapients, New Species, or Just Half-Wits?

It's another gray January day in Streeterville and the grayness is enhanced by the fact that the moisture from the dryer tends to fog the windows on the 14th floor, at least my portion of it. It is, although, a good bit warmer today, 28 degrees at the Mini. Still no word on wind chill factor, or on why Patrick Mini tried to take me to the cleaners over a 50,000 mile inspection. (See an earlier post, "Fools and Their Money, Me and My Money," for that saga.)

I have, on occasion, quoted notable literary figures such as Dylan Thomas on these pages. Today, in a change of tone, I quote literary luminary, Monty Python, "And now for something completely different..."

Reliable sources tell us that scientists have recently documented the existence of a previously unknown species of hominid walking among us, masquerading as ordinary human beings. Some members of the scientific community have argued that these beings are, in actuality, a sub-species, and not an entirely separate species, as such. Details are being investigated through DNA analysis.

This hitherto unknown species, or sub-species, has been designated homo semi sapient. Colloquially these beings are known as "half-wits" or "nitwits." In some circles they are known as "pig-headed dumbasses" or "big-headed jackasses." Documentation shows, however, that they inhabit virtually every strata of society, in every sector of the globe.

Of particular note is the fact that a great many homo semi sapients have a deep reverence and esteem for symbolic titles and initials they associate with their names. Apparently these beings, through an abiding stubbornness, spend long periods of time in pursuit of these titles so that they can attach arcane initials to their names, i.e. LLD, PhD, ThD, BLT, etc. Once they have attached these initials and titles to their names, they often hold this up as evidence of their superior reasoning faculties, despite all evidence to the contrary.

It should be noted that when in a confrontation with a typical semi sapient, it is generally useless to provide the being with facts. They have a great propensity to avoid facts and believe that their own version of reality, however convoluted, are the real facts. When faced with facts that threaten their version of reality, they often retreat into repetition of such mantras as "The facts are a great deal more complex than you know or understand," or "We cannot possibly make such a bold statement, based on the facts as we know them," or one of my personal favorites, "The case of Jones v. Smith suggests otherwise."

As a defense mechanism, homo semi sapient often uses the art of confusion to escape detection. An unnamed source assures us that they regularly convince perfectly capable individuals that they know best by using confusing and unnecessarily arcane language. That is to say, they like to "muddy the waters," or convince thinking adults that they "don't know shit from Shinola." Often they are just annoying.

Be on the lookout for these creatures. They are more common than we often realize. In the interest of scientific research, homo semi sapient sightings may be reported at this website. The results will be compiled and forwarded to the appropriate researchers. Have a good day. R.D. Ray, MA

1 comment:

  1. I found one! In fact, he might be the origin of the species. He's that good.