This Is a Job for Skinny Man

It's gray, snowy, and 26 degrees in Streeterville this afternoon. This information comes to us from the National Weather Service. I neglected to check the data at the Mini on the way home. You can barely see Navy Pier this afternoon because, well, it's snowing. The serious weather guys, meteorologists for the uninitiated, would say "limited visibility." The serious weather guys would also not say they forgot to check the temperature and conditions at the Mini. They would say, "Mini conditions: N/A." In all likelihood,these serious weather geeks would tell you, "Lake Michigan water temperature: 32 degrees." I prefer Lake Michigan, frozen on top and pretty damned cold underneath. Sometimes inexactitudes tell the story pretty well.

We're a full week into the new year now and the resolutions have officially been kicked off now. I went to my songwriting workshop last evening and I changed the strings on my guitar. I have ideas and I've committed myself to further dilettantery in that area. I solemnly vow to be the best musical dilettante that I can possibly be.

Then there is the weight. As usual I gained about 5 pounds over the holidays. Now it is time to take it off and then some. I told Babs I'd lose 10 pounds before we go away to South Beach in April. This means exercise at least 4 times per week and eating substantially less. Seems simple doesn't it? The body is, after all, a biological machine. Fuel up. Burn it off. Too much fuel, it turns to fat for future use. Too little burn, it turns to fat for future use. Man, at this point I have a lot of future use stored up. Fuel less! Burn more!

The trouble with this scenario is that when a person is in their 20's they burn fuel just by looking at it. Drop 10 pounds? Hah! Do that in a week. Then come the 40's and 50's and that old metabolic rate takes a hike somewhere. I believe mine went to the beach one day and never came back, leaving me with a complement of spare fuel that gives the old torso a resemblance to certain aquatic mammals of large proportions.

I took up running a few years back and it was encouraging. I lost about 25 pounds. I ran the Chicago Marathon. Then I hit the wall. No, not the wall that comes at about mile 20 in the marathon, the wall that comes when your body achieves some kind of stasis and won't shed any more weight, no matter what you do. That still left me about 20 pounds beyond that youthful figure I once cut before middle age stole up behind me when I wasn't looking and mugged me. (Don't get me started on the hair.)

Well this 20 pounds less than the worst scenario was OK, but then I began to realize that every year I gain weight at the holidays and have to work extra hard to get it off to get back to that 20 pounds down state. Oops didn't quite make it back last year. Then I began to realize that sometimes work, and life in general get in the way and it's not always possible to run 25 or 30 miles per week to keep the weight down. What? You mean I'll have to make eating concessions. No more Deep Dish Pizza. I live in Chicago for Christ's sake. Forget that crap. So now the 20 pounds down became only 15-17 pounds down.

15-17 pounds down? Well that's certainly better than the all time high of *&%#. Trouble is along came Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's again and now the weight loss is only 10-12 pounds. I know there's a skinny guy inside of me waiting to get out but he lost his GPS device and can't find his way to the surface. Furthermore, I look at all of my siblings and I'm still the skinny one. OH MY GOD! My genetics are trying to make me one of those short red-faced guys who are very nearly as wide as they are tall. I have seen the future and it is my older siblings. Enough is enough. This is a job for (Insert trumpet blast here.) Skinny Man! Skinny Man, savior of the portly, defender of the diet! Leaps high blood pressure (and cholesterol for that matter) in a single bound! Faster than a trip to the fridge for a secret snack! More powerful than an empty calorie! Skinny Man!

Alas, skinny man moved to Southern California and is currently appearing in Grade B movies. What's left is a lot of hard work, so I must go to the gym and shed these hard-earned pounds one at a time. Catch you later, after the sweat. Then maybe I can justify ordering out for a pizza. Hope your resolutions are off and running as well, so to speak.